


You kept me in the dark

by unluckyloki



Series: death is only the end if you assume the story is about you [2]
Category: DCU, Young Justice (Comics)
Genre: Character Presumed Dead, Grief/Mourning, Jason Todd is here to remind you that he had died, M/M, Tim is not present but he is, Underage Drinking, Unrequited Love, people are playing the blame game, self-sacrifice aftermath, the consequences of finding out your best friend was in love with you, which is actually unrequited because Kon had NO IDEA
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-06-28 17:12:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19816807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unluckyloki/pseuds/unluckyloki
Summary: Tim was the one to sacrifice his life - why is it that the others are falling apart now?





	You kept me in the dark

**Author's Note:**

> I've upped the rating a bit for a few f-words and underage drinking

The funeral is planned for Tuesday and Kon doesn’t intend to go.

He doesn’t, because he’s still trying to process what has happened.

It took a long while for Cassie to explain to him what the ‘right’ for Tim to replace him meant.

“No,” Kon said for what felt like the 10th time. “You mean he did it as a friend?”

He has never felt so stupid, his head an absolute mess.

Because, that’s what they were, right? Friends. Best friends. Always have been. Tim wouldn’t lie to him about it. He would’ve told him, right?

“For fuck’s sake, Conner!” Cassie yelled. “He’s said he wouldn’t be able to live without you, that’s the most epic love confession imaginable! Will you finally stop being so blind!”

She stormed off after that, leaving Kon alone on the farm where the League had dropped them both off.

Leaving Conner to think about Tim and the hologramic recreation of him begging to be killed instead of Superboy.

About ‘the right’ he had to replace Superboy, about how that meant love, and how Cassie insisted on it not being exclusively friendly.

Kon doesn’t understand. Refuses to understand. He still half-thinks there’s been some kind of a mistake and Tim would call him any moment now, to let him know that he’s okay.

He wants to talk to him, he wants him to explain this, he wants him back!

Kon doesn’t even last half a day on the farm, flying off to find Cassie.

He finds her at the top of the Young Justice skyscraper.

There’s a half-full amphora in her hand.

When Cassie looks up at him, her gaze is unsteady and Kon can finally place the strange smell in the air.

“Cassie, are you drunk?” he asks, shocked.

Cassie’s powers were supposed to make her immune to human alcohol – as well as coffee. ‘ _Weak’_ , he remembers Tim teasing, before chugging a thermosfull of black coffee and scrunching his nose in disgust as soon as he finished. ‘ _Who’s weak now?’_ Cassie laughed back then, knowing full well that Tim preferred sweeter drinks when he had a choice, but would drink black coffee to keep himself awake. ‘ _Well at least I won’t faceplant during the stakeout, like_ someone _did last time_ ’ Tim teased back and laughed when Cassie smaked him. They used to have so much fun when they were younger. Their missions were so easy!

And nobody died.

“Well, one of my best friends died today so I really didn’t know what else to do,” Cassie says, unshed tears in her eyes. “Borrowed this shit from Donna, at least it works on me. She doesn’t know, o’course. You know, when her… Well, you know who. Died. She started drinking, but she said it didn’t help so she stopped. And look what, she was actually right – this doesn’t help one bit.”

"Cassie, I think you've had enough," Kon says, reaching out for the amphora.

It turns out Cassie's not as drunk as he thought, or her reflexes are not affected, because she manages to snatch away the amphora before he even touches it.

"No one's asking what you think, Conner, " she says, her voice dripping with poison.

Unexpectedly even for himself, Kon completely loses it.

"Don't you think I know it?!" he yells. "No one's asking me shit here! Like I _wanted_ Tim to die instead of me!"

Cassie's face softens and she sighs.

"I know you didn't want him to die. And no one's blaming you, really. I know he wouldn't ever want anyone to blame you."

She sighs again and puts down the amphora and curls up, hugging her knees close to her chest.

"I," Kon starts slowly, unsure. "I wanted to ask you about what you said on the farm. Did he–?"

Cassie doesn't seem to have patience for him, so she interrupts him.

“Gods Conner yes, he loves- loved you. As was in love with you. As _romantically_ in love with you. I don’t know how else I’m supposed'ta explain for you to get it!”

None of the other teammates of his seemed surprised by this when they were leaving the Var planet. Have all of them known, too?

"Did all of you know?"

"No," Cassie answers with another sigh. "But I think a lot of people just kinda guessed. Not everyone's as dense as you."

She looks up at Kon with a small smile on her lips, the one that was supposed to be teasing but looks sad instead.

“But he’s never said anything!” Kon says, frustrated.

"Of course he's never said anything! You with your constant 'bro' and 'dude' and like 'I'm gonna sit 5 feet apart from the guys on the team but will flirt with every girl I meet' didn't exactly broadcast the possibility of ever returning his feelings, so why bother?"

Kon reaches out for the amphora and takes a swing from it. The wine tastes sweet, which doesn't help sooth the bitterness in his mouth.

Still, he needs the courage from it to say what he’s gonna say next.

"The fact that I've never dated guys doesn't mean I've never _been_ with guys."

Cassie lifts her head at that.

"You. You what?"

"I said I've never dated guys, sure, but-"

"Conner, are you telling me you're bi?"

"Probably? I've never put a label on it, really."

"Fuck," Cassie says with a feeling. "Fuck, shit. If I'd only known!"

Before telling Kon what she would've done if she did, she stops. Then, laughs, shaking her head.

"I don't think it would've changed a thing. As you keep saying, he's your best friend. He was saying that a lot, too. And that he'd ruin it all if he ever told you."

She reaches out for the amphora and Kon gives it to her. Cassie gulps some of the wine and a heavy silence stretches over them.

"Since when have you known?" Conner asks after what feels like forever.

"He told me when you were dead. That was kinda a breaking point for him. And then, when you came back and we got back together, he was so happy," Cassie smiles, her eyes suspiciously watery. "Oh how he begged me not to break up with you after, when I understood how different we became. All Tim ever wanted was for you to be happy."

This makes Conner’s heart clench painfully in his chest.

“But he had girlfriends!” he tries to counter with something that still doesn’t make sense to him.

“Well, he hasn’t dated anyone for like the last year and a half? Exactly since you’ve died.”

Cassie’s smile is bitter, so she drinks some more wine.

“Hey, you wanna know a secret?” she asks, not looking at Conner. There’s tears on her cheeks. “That’s something I’ve never told him, so shh.”

She tries to put a finger to her lips and succeeds only from the second try.

“I understood that I will never look at you the way he did. That you deserved better. He was asking me not to break up with you, for fuck’s sake! He was a fucking saint, wasn’t he?”

Kon feels tears rushing to his eyes, feels ashamed and feels too much.

“Give me the wine,” he says, reaching out to Cassie.

“Um,” she says, shaking the amphora. “It's empty.”

“Oh. Oh, okay, we totally gotta go now.”

“Well, there’s one thing. I can't get up.”

Conner gives Cassie a hand and ends up having to haul her to bed. She keeps on telling him about how amazingly selfless Tim could be, like he doesn’t know it, like it doesn’t make his heart break all over again.

When he finally goes to leave the building, Conner passes Bart, Cissie and Greta sleeping in a pile on the floor in front of the TV, like they used to when they were kids.

They're not kids anymore.

Conner’s 18 soon, and Tim will never be, because he chose to sacrifice himself instead of Kon.

He doesn’t know how he gets to Tim’s apartment in Gotham, but he does. He gets there and opens the doors with the keys that are on his key-chain, always. Tim had given him the keys when he moved in here, just in case, so he’d be able to check on the place if Tim was away and needed him to.

Kon brushed it away back then, but now it seems like an intimate gesture. Like something Tim wouldn’t just ask of anyone.

But Cassie also has the keys. And he’s sure Stephanie does, too. How was he supposed to know?

Kon walks around Tim’s apartment aimlessly, it’s mess of clothes on the floor and a half-eaten toast on the table. The place feels like Tim’s about to return any minute now.

But he won’t.

It’s night already and Kon finds himself near Tim’s bed, a gorgeous, luxurious king-sized monstrosity. There’s a photo frame on the bedside table that draws his attention – it’s a picture of him and Tim, standing shoulder to shoulder, their faces taking up most of the frame. Tim’s hair isn’t long yet and he’s half a head shorter than Kon.

Kon lies down on the bed, the picture frame in his hands.

Tim must’ve seen this picture thousand of times, waking up to it being on he same level as his face, going to sleep with it by his side.

Tim’s been looking at him and Kon’s never known, never noticed, never looked back.

He puts the photo frame onto the pillow near his head and moves away from the side – which looks more ruffled than the other side of the bed, probably because that’s where Tim slept.

He suddenly remembers about all of the times Tim would readily stay up all night to talk to him, or how he would laugh at his stupid jokes.

About Tim wearing his colors in his uniform. About the cloning attempts and Tim explaining them to him as understanding that it wouldn’t have been Kon, but at least _something_. And how he hugged Kon after he came back, on that rooftop in Gotham, how Tim surged forward and all but threw himself on Conner. And how he joked, said some lame lines about Tim not being grim and dark enough, and how he didn’t hug back.

Kon wants to turn back time and scream at his past self for being such an idiot. And maybe he couldn’t have returned Tim’s feelings, he hadn’t even known about them, but he wishes he could’ve just done _something_!

He curls in the middle of the bed, facing the photo frame on the pillow near him.

Before he knows it, Kon falls asleep.

He's woken up when the sun is already up and the door to the apartment is being rattled open.

“What are you doing here?” the new Robin snarls.

In fact, he hasn't been new for a couple of years, but he still is for Kon, always will be, because Tim is his Robin.

Was.

There's a tool in Dick's hand that Kon recognizes from Tim's toolkit, the one for opening locks.

“Did you break in?” he asks, staring at Nightwing's hand. “Why didn't you use a key?”

“You don't belong here,” Batman says.

He's wearing Bruce Wayne clothes, but the look on his face is more Batman than Bruce Wayne.

Superboy gets up instantly.

The leftovers of sleep leave Kon. Only the anger remains.

“You don't have a key, do you?” Kon says, and his voice sounds poisonous to his own ears. “You dare say I don't belong here and you don't even have a fucking key to his place! I have it. Cassie does, too. I’m sure Steph and Tam have a copy. Why don’t you, then?”

“Of course _you_ do,” Bruce says, and it’s bizarre to see his eyes and the absolute anger blazing in them. “ _You’re_ all over this situation, aren’t you? If _you_ haven’t been an idiotic hothead and thought for a second before attacking someone on an alien planet, none of this would have happened! It’s all _your fault_.”

Kon staggers back at the intensity of his voice, at the absolute hatred in it.

“It’s my fault?” he repeats, feeling anger tingle under his skin. “Why then, if it’s totally and only my fault, didn’t he stop to consider how you’d feel if he dies? Oh. Wait. He did. And decided none of you will give a slightest shit about it!”

“Conner, what are you talking about?” Dick asks, confused.

“He didn’t tell you?” it dawns on Kon. “How Tim said that justice would be the only thing you would care about and how he’s easily replaceable?”

“That’s not exactly what he said,” Batman says.

At the same time as Dick mouths a shocked ‘no’.

“Oh, excuse me,” Kon says and smiles politely. It’s not a nice smile. “Did I miss the part where his duties were the only thing he was sure his _family_ would be concerned about? Because that’s the only thing he brought up when that alien asked him if you’d mourn him?”

“Timmy knew we loved him!” Dick exclaims. “No one would be able to replace him!”

Kon knows that he turns his head towards the man too quickly, because if he does that with superspeed it looks very unsettling and Dick does jerk back. Usually, Superboy tries not to do it, knowing how creepy that horror movie look may be. Currently, he doesn’t care.

“It’s not like you replaced him the moment another, younger and newer version of a younger brother arrived, right? He really had no reason to believe everything can be taken away from him at a drop of a hat, like Robin was?”

“I. It. It wasn’t like that!” Dick splutters, but he looks guilty.

“How dare you!” Damian yells and surges forward, but Dick manages to catch him by the collar of his shirt before the kid gets any closer. “Being Robin was my birthright!”

“How exactly are you blood-related to Dick here? ‘Cause, you know, _he_ created Robin. Or maybe you gonna tell me you’re related to Jason? ‘Cause he’s the one who continued that legacy and then – Tim. Robin was never Batman’s, it was _theirs_.”

“And, well, Damian is a kid, but you two,” Kon says, turning to Batman and Dick. “Did nothing when he spewed all that blood son bullshit about how Tim wasn’t needed in the family anymore. Like, I don’t know much about family, and all I have is Ma and Pa, but they would have rather sawed their arms off than let me live somewhere on my own at like 15. And you wonder why Tim would think you wouldn’t grieve long if he died?”

Miraculously, the bats are not saying anything. Kon really wants them to, wants to get in a fight, but the other three stay eerily silent, not meeting each other’s gazes.

The anger burns out of him, leaving him hollow.

“And you don’t have to tell me how it’s my fault, I know it,” he says softly and notes from the way his throat hurts that he must’ve been yelling previously. “I would have given anything to change us back, I would’ve never let him do that if I’d only known, but it appears that Tim was really into not telling me shit!”

Kon feels like crying, and he really doesn’t want that to happen in front of the bats, so he does the only thing he can – gets angry. He grabs the photo from the pillow and marches away, slamming the front door behind himself shut – just to make a point.

 _I_ _'ve lived in a world without him and I don't think I can do it again,_ echoes in Kon's mind, again and again.

He hates Tim in that moment. Absolutely and totally _loathes_ him. For never telling him about his feelings, for taking his place as a sacrifice and just leaving Kon to deal with the aftermath.

The next moment, Conner feels shame, coiled so deeply in his lungs he can’t breath. Tim was so perfect. Tim had never asked anything of him. He had given up his life for him, how dare Kon think like that?

Kon remembers Tim’s soft smiles that gained a new meaning now and wishes he was dead a little.

The next few days are a blur. He goes to League approved meetings and gets to hear whispers behind his back and see pitying stares when they think he doesn’t pay attention. The superhero community loves to gossip as much as any other, and now the fact that Tim had loved him and died because of that is public knowledge that gets discussed at the dinner tables at Watchtower. Bart had told him that Batman yelled at someone because of that and honestly, Superboy even expected the man to lash out at him at some point, but instead Batman was strictly professional with their interactions and tried his best not to look Conner in the eye.

He must totally hate his guts now, with his son dead because of Kon.

So, it’s finally Tuesday and everybody goes to the funeral – rather, a memorial for Red Robin, because there’s no body. For the same reason Timothy Drake-Wayne can’t have a funeral, too, and thus has been declared missing, it being explained as an accident after a luxurious vacation on one of the Waynes’ private islands.

Tim won’t even have a funeral, there’s even no body to bury, and this makes all of it kinda unreal in Kon’s head, like this is some kind of a sick joke, like it’s a bad dream and he can’t wake up.

Like Tim can come back any second and tell him he just dreamed it.

But he won’t.

For all that matters, Ma wasn’t surprised. It makes Kon feel even worse, because even she knew, when he didn’t. But it’s also something good, if that word can be used in a situation like that, because it means that there’s a person at home on his side that understands.

She’s very worried for him, and she’s the one who proposes for him to go to the newly erected statue in the park, the one at the Fallen Heroes Memorial, to get some closure.

He goes there after dark, after all of the others have left. He does not dare approach the memorial, because the statue is life-sized and that’s too much for him right now. But he sits on the roof of the nearest high-rise and looks down at it and all of the flowers at the statue’s feet.

Superboy doesn’t know for how long he’s been sitting in the dark, when he hears footsteps. They’re soft and would be totally undetectable if didn’t have superhearing, so it must be someone from the bats. He’s honestly getting ready for a fight, when he hears a laugh.

“Oh, my apologies, didn't know this spot was already taken for the 'lurking full of regrets' session.”

Kon squints. The man wasn't wearing a helmet, but.

“Red Hood?”

“Shhh, kid, names in the field and all that junk. Don't out me like that.”

The man is not wearing the mask as well, and the red bat on his chest is missing. He takes a seat at the edge of the roof near Kon.

“Did you come here for a fight?” Kon asks, not caring much if it’s true.

“Why would I?” Jason asks back, sounding genuinely surprised.

“Well, I think all of the other bats hate me now.”

“First of all? Fuck you for calling me a bat. Second of all – no, I don't hate you, and neither do they. They’re just mad they didn’t know he liked you. Like, that he liked men at all.”

“And you’re not mad?”

“Oh, I knew. We’ve been at my safehouse once, watching Charmed re-runs and he was high on painkillers, so he told me he had a crush on Leo when he was a kid. Then I had a very polite discussion with him about how Cole was obviously better.”

Hood grins and Kon smiles back despite himself, imagining the kind of argument the two must have gotten into. They sit in a compassionate silence for a while, before Conner finally asks:

“You didn't go to the funeral?”

“Nah. Without the body it's... It all feels like a farce. They're making him into something he wasn't."

"Like what?"

"Like a perfect little angel who never ever did anything wrong. They’re trying to mold him into a bronze statue of a perfect little martyr."

Kon remembers Cassie calling Tim a saint. A 'fucking saint', but, well...

"What was he like, then?" he asks Hood, maybe because he wants his opinion, or maybe because he's not sure anymore if he can trust himself to know what Tim was like.

Jason smiles and it's crooked.

"Timmy was a lair, he could be petty, could be arrogant, cold-hearted and calculating lil' bitch. Don't fall for the martyr myth. He was a living breathing person who fucked up and that was okay. Respect his memory by remembering who he truly was. Don’t let them change that, at least not in your head."

It does sound like all that Hood just said are exclusively insults, but there's no mask so Kon can see his eyes. And there's no anger or malicious happiness at the expanse of the others’ misery – they're just sad and unbelievably tired.

"Yeah," Kon says slowly, hugging his knees. "Not living and not breathing anymore, because of me."

Did he imagine it, or was that concern reflected on Jason's face just now?

"Hey," Hood says, and it sounds soft. "I know it’s not gonna help, but. The kid was a smartass, wasn’t he? He made his choice and it was well thought-through. Being dead is easier than staying alive. I would know. And Timbo has always been the one left standing alone in the aftermath, wasn’t he? Impulse died, then you, then B-man. Maybe he wanted the easy way out at least this once."

They don't talk after that, because there's just too much in Kon's head. The two of them just sit there, feeling just a little bit better in each other's company.

Well, at least Kon does.

An hour or so after, Hood gets up and nods to Superboy, exiting by jumping off the roof.

The man was not in costume, but Kon doesn't have any energy left to try and guess where he hid his grappling hook.

So, Kon goes home.

He does not sleep well, not that day, nor the next one.

He dreams of Tim.

Tim, being dragged into a fiery abyss.

Tim, trashing and screaming for Kon to save him, when he is being torn to pieces by a mad crowd.

Tim, smiling at him, telling him he loves him, and stepping off a skyscraper roof the next moment, falling to his death.

Tim drowning, being stabbed, burned, dying a thousand deaths.

After a week full of nightmares and a dozen more scenarios, Conner can’t take it anymore. He jumps up up and away to get to Watchtower and find a Green Lantern who can give him directions to the Var planet. He finds Jessica and thinks he’s lucky – she wasn’t the one who picked them up from the planer, so she might be more receptive to his pleas. In the end, he manages to persuade her that he has no ill intentions whatsoever – just a question. With the Lantern’s help, Conner gets to the planet finally being able to ask the question that has been in his mind for the past week.

“How did he die?” Kon asks the Counselor after him and the Lantern persuade the guards to let him in. “Please, I need to know!”

The Counselor sighs.

“I understand how hard it must be for you now. A few years ago, I was the chosen one. But, as you can see me standing here, I was not sacrificed. Instead, my older sibling decided to take my place. I pleaded and begged, but they would not bulge. I did not find it in me to be present. Are you absolutely sure you want to?”

“Yes! I keep dreaming how it could have gone a thousand horrible ways and I’m gonna go insane if this goes on. Please, show me, I know you can! I just need to know the truth.”

“It is not advisable,” the Counselor sighs. “But I will show you if you find it so necessary. Follow me.”

They lead Kon down the corridor and out into the open, waving off the guards that try to join them.

The two of them end up in the field, the one with the carved pink stone. The place makes bile raise in Kon’s throat, but, before he has a chance to think about how this may have been a bad idea, the Counselor presses something on the pink stone and it moves, giving way to a staircase leading somewhere down under.

“Are you still sure you want this?” the Counselor asks, turning to Kon.

“No, I absolutely do not want this. But I _need_ to know.”

The Counselor nods with understanding, and they continue on their path.

It turns out that there’s a hall under the field, ancient and dimly lit. The walls of it are carved with more symbols, there are lights that turn on as they walk by and a long stone pathway that ends abruptly over a gaping hole in the ground.

This looks a bit too much like Kon’s dreams and he waits for the screaming, but it never comes.

Instead, the memory of Tim that the Counselor summons is calm and collected in the face of certain death.

Tim’s wearing a white floaty tunic and some matching white pants, the material of it looking like the one of the priest’s robes.

‘ _It’s the best Canteelean fabric,’_ a youthfull voice of a memory of some Var servant rings through the dark.

They look not older than 12 in human years and their hands are shaking when they slip a wreath of flowers onto Tim’s neck.

‘ _Um, thanks, it’s very nice,’_ Tim says, and hearing his voice makes Kon shiver.

Tim lifts his eyes to the young Var and tries to smile.

Tim’s eyes are very blue in the light of the fluorescent lights of the cavern. Blue and very pretty.

Kon doesn't know how he hasn't noticed before, but Tim is pretty and it’s a horrifying realization to have about your best friend whose sacrifice you’re about to witness.

The Var people are not big on ceremony, because there’s not much except music on the background and the grim, sad crowd, when Tim starts his walk along the pathway. The memory around them is like something out of a video game, loading slowly, and only when Tim is really close, Kon can finally see the Dark – a black void at the end of the pathway, a gaping hole in the fabric of space itself. It seems to be humming softly, growing in size.

Tim is at an arm’s length away from it and the stoic expression that he had put on his face is slipping.

Kon moves closer to the hologramic memory figure, close enough to see the small shudder run through Tim. Close enough to see that Tim was scared.

Scared, but not turning back one bit.

Kon watches Tim take a deep breath, ball his shaking hands into fists and take a step into the void.

Just as the Dark swallows Tim, the hologramic memories around Kon disappear, but he just stands there, staring at nothing.

“I hope,” the Counselor starts carefully, “this was what you were looking for.”

“Yes,” Kon says numbly, and mostly on autopilot adds without actually meaning it, “thank you.”

***

Half a year passes.

People move on, little by little.

For their sake, Kon pretends to have moved on, too.

**Author's Note:**

> the thing's i'm forever bitter about are: [ these ](https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Zkzk3Oj4fWg/VuJEjnN7zbI/AAAAAAAAGqs/VXNLpCRuj9U5VXHdlPuF7h1aO7alCcy5ACCo/s1600-Ic42/RCO011.jpg)  
> [ scenes ](https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-AaLpdQFvIkA/VuJEkAPVymI/AAAAAAAAGqs/l5N_jjaE7NIBl-CRhPGiN-a8Bp9SMZAcACCo/s1600-Ic42/RCO012.jpg)  
> [ from Red Robin](https://2.bp.blogspot.com/--B2WTw-V5s8/VuJEkB2dNHI/AAAAAAAAGqs/EGQvJEJZOYUVI1ihfP_OYD9_uivARrb1ACCo/s1600-Ic42/RCO013.jpg)  
> [ my tmblr](http://unluckyloki.tumblr.com/)  
> , feel free to ask me anything


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